1 am thoughts

or: what I learned when you left/a ranty-ass mess

Grief comes in waves and right now i’m caught in the proverbial undertow and all i can hear is my heartbeat, fast and frantic under the soft whisper in my mind that keeps repeating: I told you from the beginning who I was.

if i’ve learned anything from when you left it is that who and what i am is not different, and never was different and that if anything, you fell in love with someone that never existed and then waited for me to live up to an idea. As time and life like pressure on coal have forced me to crystalize, to solidify, to concentrate more into myself, i see that i disappointed you by not changing, but…how could that have been a surprise when i told you from the beginning exactly who i was?

i learned many years ago that losing myself to love only kills me in service to someone else and i told you at the start that i don’t fall in love like that any more. my love is pragmatic and self preserving, slow and steady (it wins the race when we stay the course). i can’t give in to the frantic fall the way i used to, but the lack of mania doesn’t mean i love less deeply or less strong. i told you that from the beginning so you could choose, and choose well because once i choose, it’s for good.

i told you i don’t believe in marriage but i believe in the choice to stay, and that when i choose to stay, i’m there. i kept my part of that deal through so much, so many missteps that would’ve sent others running because i believed in…