1911 Industrial Workers of the World Poster

Tonight I’m thinking about value.

I was just having a conversation with my mom and there was a bit of a silent spot, and in that moment I was realizing that there was no way I could really afford therapy for the next few weeks to the next few months. Frustrating, given I literally just started it. And at the tail end of that silence, she mentioned that a guy she knows is probably gonna walk away from an 80k gig.

I was immediately agitated.

I am still agitated.

Part of it, I know, is garden variety jealousy. 80k would…

Mental health in the time of covid.

Whats the word for depression spaghetti?

Last night I was poring through the listings on psychology today looking for someone…anyone…that I might be able to start seeing. Just the act of scrolling through the pages of smiling faces, all with variations of the same introduction (Hi! Do you feel stuck/unhappy/dissatisfied? Are you held captive by old patterns and emotional scars? Call me!), all with the same yellow box at the top, sometimes even in all caps “NOT ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS”…(Seriously, all caps?? Is that really necessary?) I kinda lost my shit.

Which like… I’m not a shit-loser. I used to be. I mean…I’m sure that’s part…

Told you so.

I cried in November 4 years ago. Sobbed. Woke up sobbing, cried all day, drove to the coffee shop 45 minutes away to be with my people and we stood there and held each other, shaking, crying, angry, scared. I called my mom that night and said, “He won’t leave. There’s no way there will be a peaceful transition of power.”

People called me a snowflake, told me to get over it, told me to leave. They didn’t understand that I wasn’t crying for a lost election, I was crying for a lost country. I was crying because for all…

It’s been awhile.

So many things have happened in the world and in my life and honestly? I don’t feel like writing about any of them. I mean, like, I do, but there’s not really much to say that hasn’t been said already. By like, everyone.

I had a thought today, though which is this: I wrote a book once. Not published, and not well — it was for my undergraduate thesis. It had the lofty title of “Case Studies in the Epistemology of the Hidden Assumption” and it was attempting to look at how people’s unexamined beliefs can run counter to their…

My heart hurts.

I struggle with writing.

I mean, anyone who actually writes, I think, struggles with writing, at least sometimes.

But…I struggle with feeling like I have anything to say, even though I have so fucking much to say. There are just so many voices, you know? And so many of them are more eloquent, more informed, more devoted, more passionate than mine.

I’m ok with stepping aside, really. I mean, I’d love to, as I’ve said before, write the thing that changes the world or instigates a revolution or offers up some new fundamental philosophical theory. …

Image chosen for my damn self.

So, last night, I responded to the inimitable Quasimodo’s invite to a zoom gathering with a fast and loose decline.

And immediately felt like a douche.

And didn’t sleep.

And as I was lying…laying? in the slowly lightening dark of predawn, I realized that…I was really, really scared of Zoom meeting the Medium crowd because…like…here, I get to think about my words and present what I hope is the best version of myself at any given moment. I get to try to sound all profound and thoughtful and shit. And in a Zoom meeting I’d have to be…spontaneous.

I am…

I’ve got a question for you.

Hey, Joe. Is it cool if I call you Joe?

Listen. I think it’s safe to say that shit is Not Going Well in this country, yeah? I mean, even before Covid hit, we were swirling the proverbial drainpipe as far as global reputation goes. And faith in our leadership. And, you know. Any kind of hope for the future, for a lot of us. The future was looking bleak already. We were having arguments about whether health care is something everyone should have access to, whether or not we should protect the environment, whether or not keeping kids in…


I spent last night with the tv on, staring into the darkness under the coffee table. It was the kind of stare where, had you passed by the window and caught a glimpse, you might think I was intently watching something sad and slightly horrifying that I could not seem to turn away from.

What I was thinking was this: that the universe is meaningless chaos, and that every second of existence is an attempt to infuse a sense of purpose where this is simply none. That love and beauty and creation and destruction and pain and fear are nothing…

or: what I learned when you left/a ranty-ass mess

Grief comes in waves and right now i’m caught in the proverbial undertow and all i can hear is my heartbeat, fast and frantic under the soft whisper in my mind that keeps repeating: I told you from the beginning who I was.

if i’ve learned anything from when you left it is that who and what i am is not different, and never was different and that if anything, you fell in love with someone that never existed and then waited for me to live up to an idea. …

It’s been a rough year.

When I think back to this time last year it’s honestly….grey. My life was settled and comfortable and I knew (I thought) the trajectory of it. Nothing was particularly exciting, but then, nothing was particularly stressful. I was content.

And then shit fell apart. And in the falling apart, I remembered myself.

The thing is…I am inherently discontent. I am a questioner,much to the chagrin of like, everyone I’ve ever worked with. I’m a person who hurts, always, because the world is chaotic and there is so, so much pain. There is enough pain just…

Zelda Pinwheel

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