Sex and romance do not a relationship make.

My partner of 16 years left me unceremoniously a few months ago. Here’s a little ace/aro rant about it.

First, I didn’t always identify as ace. For a time I really, really liked sex. It was never a priority, and I certainly never had the same relationship to it that my friends did, but it was fun, felt good, and was way better than going to class. Over time, some medical/emotional stuff made it feel less good, and I was all too happy to leave it behind. So. Ace it is.

I was probably always aro, but didn’t have a word for it. I didn’t like how partners who were overly romantic made me feel. I would get overly femme-y and feel beholden and stupid. And I suck at romantic gestures. Thoughtful ones, sure. But candles and roses? Not so much.

So in a weird way, this breakup and the things that, apparently, led to it, have been a bit of an eye opener

I thought the worst part would be loneliness, panic about bills, clawing my way out of depression. But really, life is plodding along, much the way it always has. It’s a bit strange, cooking for one, and I won’t lie, bills are fucking scary when you can’t ask anyone for help, but…it’s mostly ok.

The worst part, by far, are the dreams. They speak to something I don’t think about during the day — the thought of you with her. Now, this is distinctly different from when I was in college and would obsessively, compulsively, actively…