Thoughts.

In no particular order.

I woke up today to news of another mass shooting.

I’ve been on the verge of tears all day, worrying about the friends of mine who are survivors. Remembering those who weren’t so lucky. Furious about our so-called leaders who repeatedly refuse to do anything that might prevent this shit from happening again. And again. And again.

I feel helpless and hopeless and angry and so very, very sad, and I know I’m supposed to call my representatives but dear fucking god what could I possibly say that hasn’t been said in so many words and in so much more fucking blood that would convince them to do anything other than what they’re gonna do any way?

I don’t understand how anyone with the power to change things could look at the shit that’s going on right now and not fucking act.

Before this morning, I was wondering where the line between victim and abuser lies. I was wondering at which point the things we learned to do in order to survive become the things that push people away and keep us isolated later on. I was wondering how to navigate the darkness of my crazy and still manage to do all the right things for everyone else’s crazy and still maintain some semblance of functionality. Cuz it kinda seems like that’s the general expectation.

In truth, it could probably be argued that this part and part the first are related, but I’m not necessarily inclined to delve into that particular quagmire at this particular moment. Go to town.

Is Tom Petty dead? I can’t deal with the emotional rollercoaster. Maybe don’t report shit until you know it’s true? I dunno. Just a thought.

The Will & Grace episode where Will and Grace break up is making me cry because life is too short to lose people over misunderstandings and it happens too often and it just fucking kills me. Because I’ve lost people where there’s no chance for understanding to ever happen and that hurts like a bitch. But losing people when there’s actual connection is just…

Anyway.

Maybe I’ll stop thinking about it someday.

It’s getting cold and the moon is shining through the trees outside the window. I’m gonna try to remember that things aren’t all bad.

Take care of yourselves. Love each other. Stay safe.