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Zooming thoughts
So, last night, I responded to the inimitable Quasimodo’s invite to a zoom gathering with a fast and loose decline.
And immediately felt like a douche.
And didn’t sleep.
And as I was lying…laying? in the slowly lightening dark of predawn, I realized that…I was really, really scared of Zoom meeting the Medium crowd because…like…here, I get to think about my words and present what I hope is the best version of myself at any given moment. I get to try to sound all profound and thoughtful and shit. And in a Zoom meeting I’d have to be…spontaneous.
I am thoughtful, possibly to a fault, and I really, really try to be a good person. And when I’m not, or think I’m not, or someone tells me I’m not, I beat the shit out of myself for years — literal, years. But I screw up, and say dumb things, and have baggage that makes me do stupid, unthoughtful things sometimes.
So making friends is fucking terrifying, and as I finally drifted into some kind of sleep as the birds started with their incessant welcoming of the sun, I realized that I actively avoid new connections. I’ll make them if I have to, like at work or something. But if you invite me to a situation where I’ll have to interact with new people? I will come up with every possible excuse to avoid it.
